Poems

• “I watched my mother 
  spill wine into her
  coffee
  and swallow it down
  with the pieces of her
  broken heart
  and I bit down on the
  straw dipping 
  into my diet coke
  and snow kisses the
  ground
  and kills all the plants
  and fuck
  I don’t think we were
  ever in love
  but it hurt so badly
  when it ended, 
  I don’t know what else
  it could’ve been
  because high school
  crushes can’t kill you
  but god I’m so sedated
  and my mother switched
  to vodka
  and I was the girl who 
  wasn’t afraid of anything
  I was the girl
  walking in the middle of
  the street
  and kissing boys without
  getting dizzy
  and now I’m terrified
  to breathe
  because the air wrapped
  around me is laced with you
  and jesus fucking christ
  I think I’m dying
  and I’ve been drinking 
  vodka too
  and I swear to god
  when I grow up and I
  have a daughter
  I’ll never let her anywhere
  near boys like you,
  boys who make you fall
  in love with the bottoms
  of liquor bottles
  and put you to sleep
  just to wake you up
  and break you all over 
  again
  and I’ll never let her
  see me spiking my
  coffee with alcohol
  or let her notice the 
  teardrops staining my
  pillow case
  because I thought this was 
  love 
  but we were never fucking
  in love
  love isn’t supposed to 
  feel like earth quakes in
  your chest or tsunamis
  in your throat
  but it does
  oh god it does”
• “

Depression.

• Sometimes it’s screaming and crying and smashing plates
  Sometimes it’s numbness and quiet and “oh god why am I not dead”
  And sometimes it’s getting up anyways and staying alive, even if you don’t want to
  ”
• I am not used to being
  held by good hearts,
  soft hands never did 
  take to my soft skin.
  
  I was convinced that
  to love was to be torn
  apart, but this healing
  tells me otherwise
• “
  I don’t think I love
  very many things but
  here are the ones I
  can think of:
  I love the first sip
  of coffee in the morning
  I love reading someone
  else’s words and finding
  a connection in them
  I love the feeling a
  good song invokes
  I love wondering
  I love driving at night
  with no destination
  I love the gentle kind
  of sadness like a reminder
  that I can feel.
  ”
• You are made
  out of comets
  and stars.
  
  Do not surround
  yourself with those
  that treat you like
  dirt and dust.”
• find someone
  who knows
  you’re sad
  just by the change
  of tone in your
  voice
  be with someone
  who loves the
  feature that
  you hate the most
  fall in love with
  someone who
  looks at you and
  knows they don’t
  want anyone else
• “Leave bites on my neck,
  So I can spend the whole day,
  Still wearing your lips”
• “
  I am not the first person you loved.
  You are not the first person I looked at
  with a mouthful of forevers. We
  have both known loss like the sharp edges
  of a knife. We have both lived with lips
  more scar tissue than skin. Our love came
  unannounced in the middle of the night.
  Our love came when we’d given up
  on asking love to come. I think
  that has to be part
  of its miracle.
  This is how we heal.
  I will kiss you like forgiveness. You
  will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms
  will bandage and we will press promises
  between us like flowers in a book.
  I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat
  on your skin. I will write novels to the scar
  of your nose. I will write a dictionary
  of all the words I have used trying
  to describe the way it feels to have finally,
  finally found you.
  And I will not be afraid
  of your scars.
  I know sometimes
  it’s still hard to let me see you
  in all your cracked perfection,
  but please know:
  whether it’s the days you burn
  more brilliant than the sun
  or the nights you collapse into my lap
  your body broken into a thousand questions,
  you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
  I will love you when you are a still day.
  I will love you when you are a hurricane.
  ”
• “I need someone who
  Sees the fire in my eyes and
  wants to play with it.”
• The saddest word
  in the whole wide world
  is the word almost.
  
  
  
  He was almost in love.
  She was almost good for him.
  He almost stopped her.
  She almost waited.
  He almost lived.
  They almost made it.
  ”
• “
  You’re going to be sad.
  You’re going to want to scream and punch things.
  Do it.
  Let out every ounce of anger you have.
  Sit on the floor and cry until you feel numb.
  Listen to songs that make your heart sink to your feet.
  Write angry letters to all the people who have broken you, left you, ignored you or hurt you.
  Throw your hairbrush at the wall.
  Do it twelve times.
  Do it until you feel like you can breathe again.
  You’re going to be sad.
  You’re going to want to hurt yourself.
  Don’t you dare do it.
  Sit on the floor and watch cartoons like you did when you were little.
  Listen to songs that make you want to dance around your bedroom in your underwear at 3 A.M.
  Make paper airplanes out of those angry letters and watch them soar into the fireplace.
  Brush all the knots out of your hair and say “I am worth it” into the mirror.
  Say it twelve times.
  Say it until you feel like you can breathe again.
  You’re going to be sad.
  You’re going to get through it.
  ”
• And I knew it was bad
  when I woke up in the mornings
  and the only thing I looked
  forward to was going 
  back to bed.”
• Every day I discover 
  more and more 
  beautiful things. 
  It’s enough to drive one mad. 
  I have such a desire 
  to do everything,
  my head is bursting with it.”
• “
  Call it what you will:
  eternal damnation,
  a curse from the gods,
  but you are going to fall in love
  and it will feel like being split open
  with the dullest of knives,
  jagged and cruel.
  He will sail into your skin,
  but he will never call it home;
  He will make a niche
  between your thighs
  and leave tender words
  decaying inside of you,
  but he will be gone before his name
  settles in your mouth.
  Do not wither from this.
  Wash him from your flesh.
  Scrape him out your brain.
  Remember your teeth.
  ”
• “
  I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy
  because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless
  and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.
  ”
• I am going to hurt you.
  You are going to hurt me.

  But we will do it with practiced fingers
  and passionate mouths
  and I swear to god

  
  

  it will be worth something.
• “Sometimes,
  I wake up
  at four in the morning
  and taste smoke
  in the back of my throat.
  
  I swear to god,
  you’re still burning
  somewhere inside me.”
• there is a particular sweetness in being alone
  because you do not have to be anything or 
  say anything or try to feel anything you normally wouldn’t.
  but sometimes, perhaps when it is raining at 1:52 am, 
  you will feel this wild ache—this longing,
  to want to try and be something or feel something
  for someone—for anyone”
• “
  Think about the first name you were ever called,
  and then think how long it took until
  you got called a pussy
  or a slut,
  or a bitch,
  or a whore,
  all of which are words that fall too close to ‘girl.’
  Think about the first time you got called a ‘girl’
  and they said it with a sneer.
  Like it was a bad thing.
  For a boy, it is the lowest degradation to get called a girl.
  For a girl, it is the lowest degradation to get called a girl.
  Remember, black widow spiders and female praying mantises eat their partners after intercourse.
  Remember, it’s the lionesses who hunt.
  They come back with bloody muzzles, dragging bloated carcasses as the alpha lion strides around with his mane puffing out.
  Remember, it’s only the female mosquitoes who drink blood.
  We’re the ones who do the necessary work, dirty our hands,
  fuck or fight or both.
  We’re often the smaller sex, which makes us a harder target
  as we slink close and sink our teeth in.
  Remember: we’re deadly.
  You should be proud to be called a girl.
  ”
• the thing you are most
  afraid to write.
  write that.
  ”
• “I want to make you smile and I want to make you cum.
  I want to hold your hand and I want to hold your hips down while you’re writhing.
  I want to make your eyes light up and I want to make them roll in the back of your head.
  I want to be your reason to wake up and your reason to stay in bed. 
  I want to kiss your wounds and I want you to leave them on my back.
  I want to play with your hair while you sleep and I want to feel it between my fingers while you are on top of me.
  I want to memorize the repetition of your breathing and I want to memorize the sporadics of your moaning.
  I want to see the arch in your grin and I want to feel the arch in your back before you collapse. 
  I want to go out to dinner with you and I want to go down on you.
  I want to to feel you in my heart and I want to feel you inside me. 
  I want to make you laugh and I want to make you scream. 
  I want to still be able to taste you in the morning.
  I want you in every form.”
• “Some people smoke, 
  others drink, and others fall in love,
  each one dies from a different way.”
• “Im not addicted to alcohol or drugs, im addicted to escaping reality.”
• “And how odd it is
  to be haunted by someone
  that is still alive.”
• If you were a book
  I’d lick my fingers
  and flip your pages,
  until your spine creased
  and you lay spent,
  with nothing else to offer.
  Then, I’d cup you in my palms
  and read you again.”
• May 16th// 11:08 pm
  “Hey, I guess you’re asleep. Call me back when you wake up”
  July 24th// 5:04 am
  “Wake up I miss you”
  September 8th// 2:09 am
  “I just wanted to hear your voice”
  September 8th// 2:16 am
  “Okay listen. I think I might be in love with you please call me back.”
  October 11th// 5:42 pm
  “Baby girl I love you, I’m so happy you’re mine I’ll see you tonight.”
  November 29th// 8:06 am
  “You’re still asleep and you’re the most beautiful thing in the world. I can’t wait to get home and see you. I can’t wait to kiss you.”
  December 12th// 9:16 am
  “Look I’m sorry about what I said. I didn’t mean it. I still love you princess. I love you. I’m sorry. I just.. I love you alright. Call me back when you can.”
  January 15th// 4:06 pm
  “I’m out and I saw something that made me think of you so I thought I would call you. I miss your voice.”
  January 18th// 9:12 am
  “Baby get dressed, I’m picking you up in 15, let’s run away.”
  January 23rd// 8:47 pm
  “Oh god your mother hates me”
  February 14th// 3:06 pm
  “Happy Valentine’s day I love you more than anything. You’re the world. You’re everything good. I’d let you swallow me whole. I like the way you look when you’re tired. I hate it when you cry. I’ll see you” tonight baby.”
  February 24th// 12:09 am
  “I’m sorry.”
  April 8th// 4:06 am
  “Hey… I need to come over and get the rest of my stuff.”
  ”
• “
  1. Because a woman brought into this world will inevitably be given pepper spray “just in case.”
  2. Because by sixteen, a young girl knows how to avoid being sexually assaulted, while a boy of the same age does not fear sexual assault in the slightest.
  3. Because a girl who mocks men is a bitch, and a boy who mocks women is joking.
  4. Because a girl who has sex is a slut, and a boy who has sex is a man.
  5. Because in a murder, the killer is at fault, but the blame of rape is often put on the victim.
  6. Because we teach girls how not to get raped instead of teaching anyone simply not to rape.
  7. Because a woman should put more clothes on if her outfit makes a man uncomfortable, because his self control is her responsibility.
  8. Because feminists just need to chill out.
  9. Because a 22 year old sex-obsessed virgin can murder 7 people, and the problem is that someone should’ve just slept with him.
  10. Because not all men are predators, but yes, all women are prey
• Boys cry
  Cigarettes do kill,
  parents lie,
  boats sink,
  flowers die,
  Life goes on,
  with or without you.”
• “don’t call me beautiful
  i don’t care
  call me intelligent
  tell me my laugh is contagious;
  that i made you smile
  tell me i have something to offer”
• How did we get through high school without being taught Dr. King
  spent two decades having panic attacks?
  Avoided Windows, jumped at thunder
  I think we are all part flight the fight
  Part run for your life
  Part ‘please please please like me’
  Part can’t breathe
  Part scared to say you’re scared
  Part say it anyway
  You panic button collector
  You clock of beautiful ticks
  You run out the door if you need to
  You flock to the front row of your own class
  You feather everything until you know you can always
  Always shake like a leaf on my family tree and know you belong here
  You belong here and everything you feel is okay
  Everything you feel is okay.
  ”
• “One day someone with trace the lines of your scars
  and the curves of of your cheeks
  and the imperfection of your thighs.
  They will look at you in wonder and awe,
  and in that moment
  you will be more beautiful than you have ever been.”
• Imagine this:
  Instead of waiting in her tower, Rapunzel slices off her long, golden hair with a carving knife, and then uses it to climb down to freedom.
  Just as she’s about to take the poison apple, Snow White sees the familiar wicked glow in the old lady’s eyes, and slashes the evil queen’s throat with a pair of sewing scissors.
  Cinderella refuses everything but the glass slippers from her fairy godmother, crushes her stepmother’s windpipe under her heel, and the Prince falls madly in love with the mysterious girl who dons rags and blood-stained slippers.
  Imagine this:
  Persephone goes adventuring with weapons hidden under her dress.
  Persephone climbs into the gaping chasm.
  Or, Persephone uses her hands to carve a hole down to hell.
  In none of these versions is Persephone’s body violated unless she asks Hades to hold her down with his horse-whips.
  Not once does she hold out on eating the pomegranate, instead biting into it eagerly and relishing the juice running down her chin, staining it red.
  In some of the stories, Hades never appears and Persephone rules the underworld with a crown of her own making.
  In all of them, it is widely known that the name Persephone means Bringer of Destruction.
  Imagine this:
  Red Riding Hood marches from her grandmother’s house with a bloody wolf pelt.
  Medusa rights the wrongs that have been done to her.
  Eurydice breaks every muscle in her arms climbing out of the land of the dead.
  Imagine this:
  Girls are allowed to think dark thoughts, and be dark things.
  Imagine this:
  Instead of the dragon, it’s the princess with claws and fiery breath
  who smashes her way from the confines of her castle
  and swallows men whole.
  ”
• “Don’t just tell me that you want me.
  Show me. 
  Run your hands down my body and grab my hips. 
  Drags your lips across my neck and moan in my ear. 
  Push me down and hold my wrists tight. 
  Kiss me hard and fast, make me crave you. 
  Grab my thighs and do as you please. 
  Tease me slowly, make me catch my breath. 
  Look me in the eyes, smile that wonderful smile. 
  Make me moan and beg. 
  Whisper the dirty little things in the back of your mind. 
  I’m all yours, don’t be afraid to show it. 
  Slow down when my eyes roll back and kiss me. 
  Pull your body against mine. 
  Be as gentle or rough as you’d like, I don’t mind.
  Make sure the neighbors know your name. 
  Leave some love marks, as the body is a canvas.
  Do as I say, but sometimes don’t.
  Whisper sweet nothings against my lips.
  Make my body tremble for you.
  Don’t just tell me that you want me.
  Show me.”
• “
  
  Growing up I always thought true love was red roses, dates on Saturday nights, little block box that held expensive things, and always knowing what to say. I thought true love was a kiss in the rain, deep explanations, and the perfect story. But now that I’m older I’ve realized it’s not like that at all.
  See because true love for me is ugly snapchats, and peeing while you’re on the phone. True love is kissing at 6 AM despite the morning breath and singing at the top of your lungs. It’s saying all the wrong things, at all the wrong moments. It’s sarcasm and being honest even when it hurts. It’s late hours of the night when it’s been a long day and it’s no make up and bad hair. It’s tears from laughter, it’s tears from sadness and it’s nothing like any storybook you’ve ever read. It’s never running out of things to talk about, and it’s being comfortable in the silence of things. True love is watching The Titanic though you swore you never would. It’s getting mad over stupid things. It’s “you’re an idiot,” and “you’re a little shit” and knowing you’re so lucky to hear those every day. It’s spilling your feelings at 4 AM when you should be asleep. It’s that song you hear on the radio that always makes you smile. It’s the worst story you could imagine, but thank God it worked out anyways. True love is never losing the magic. True love is not leaving when things get hard.
  I like my definition better anyways.
  ”
• “
  
  "Good Morning"
  “How was your day?”
  “Be careful”
  “Text me when you get home so I know you’re safe”
  “Sweet dreams”
  “How are you?”
  “I hope you’re feeling better”
  “Have a good day today!”
  “I miss you”
  “Good night”
  “Can you come over?”
  “Can I come over?”
  “Can I see you?”
  “Can I call you?”
  “You’re beautiful”
  “Want something to drink?”
  “Watch your step”
  “Let’s watch a movie”
  “What are you up to?”
  “How is your day so far?”
  “It will be okay”
  “I’m here for you”
  “Do you need anything?”
  “Are you hungry?”
  “I just wanted to hear your voice”
  “You just made my day”
  …
  
  
  You don’t have to hear “I Love You” to know that someone does. Listen carefully. People speak from the heart more often than you think.
  ”
• “1. You called me screaming today. You said you hated me and that I was selfish and you despise what I’ve become. That phone call broke my heart but, at least I got to hear your voice
  2. You gave me my book back. You returned it in such pristine condition, I wish you could of treated my heart the same way.
  3. I’m always going to agree with you, even if you were to let me drown, it would be ok, because it’s probably for the best
  4. When I was walking home last week, I saw her in your car with you, holding your hand the same way I used to. I can’t tell you how much I wanted to jump in front of it and let it crush me.
  5. I watched Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind for the first time since we watched it together on that cold January afternoon. You’ve managed to ruin everything in my life, even my favourite movie. You’re so horrible. Why do I want this so much. Why do I want you?
  6. I keep finding reasons to not let go of you, they are all bullshit, just like every word you’ve ever said to me.
  7. I still have that voicemail you left me from when we first started dating, I listen to it on the nights that I pop too many pills and wonder where we went wrong. I think about deleting it a lot, but that would mean deleting you from my heart and there is no way in hell I’m ready for that, what scares me is I’m not sure if I’ll ever be.
  8. Just because we’re over it doesn’t mean my whole life is, it’s just the world hasn’t stopped spinning and neither has my head
  9. You saw me take a drag on a cigarette yesterday, you looked at me like you were so disappointed. But you’ve been gone for a while now and it’s time I found something else to suck the life out of me.
  10. My mouth hurts from all the times I’ve screamed your name in anger.
  11. You keep finding ways to rip my heart out of my chest, even just with a fucking nod in the hallway. 
  12. I think your eyes are lava because every time you look at me I disintegrate. 
  13. You should have a warning label plastered on you like they do with children’s toys. Because I fucking choked on you and everything you are and you’re still lodged in my throat I can’t stop coughing and gagging. I need air. I need love. I need you.”
• “I was on fire
  and you used me
  to light your cigarette
• I will be your
  7 AM sleepy kisses
  8 AM French toast
  9 AM rushed goodbyes
  10 AM love calls
  11 AM daydreams
  12 PM lunch notes
  1 PM new email
  2 PM coffee break texts
  3 PM reminiscent thoughts
  4 PM longing
  5 PM drained love
  6 PM post-work hugs
  7 PM dinner companion
  8 PM wine bottle
  9 PM tango
  10 PM readying for bed
  11 PM bedtime stories
  12 PM Midnight Sonata
  1 AM confessions
  2 AM heavy snores
  3 AM morning sex
  4 AM driftless sleep
  5 AM frenzied fantasies
  6 AM rapturous sleep
  I will be your
  Clock.”
• “
  
  A FAT LITTLE GIRL
  is eight years old, she’s got pink cheeks that her grandmother calls chubby. She wants a second cookie but her aunt says “you’ll get huge if you keep eating.” She wants a dress and the woman in the changing room says “she’ll probably need a large in that.” She wants to have dessert and her waiter says “After all that dinner you just had? You must be really hungry!” and her parents laugh.
  A FAT LITTLE GIRL
  is eleven and she is picked second-to-last in gym class. She watches a cartoon and sees that everyone who is annoying is drawn with a big wide body, all sweaty and panting. At night she dreams she is swelling like the ocean over seabeds. When she wakes up, she skips school.
  A FAT LITTLE GIRL
  is thirteen and her friends are stick-thin ballerinas with valleys between their hipbones. She is instead developing the wide curves of her mother. She says she is thick but her friends argue that she’s “muscular” and for some reason this hurts worse than just admitting that she jiggles when she walks and she’ll never be a dancer. Eating seconds of anything feels like she’s breaking some unspoken rule. The word “indulgent” starts to go along with “food.”
  A FAT LITTLE GIRL
  is fourteen and she has stopped drinking soda and juice because they bloat you. She always takes the stairs. She fidgets when she has to sit still. Whenever she goes out for ice cream, she leaves half at the bottom - but someone else always leaves more and she feels like she’s falling. She pretends to like salad more than she does. She feels eyes burrowing through her body while she eats lunch. Kate Moss tells her nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, but she just feels like she is wilting.
  A FAT LITTLE GIRL
  is fifteen the first time her father says “you’re getting gaunt.” She rolls her eyes. She eats one meal a day but thinks she stays the same size. Every time she picks up a brownie she thinks of the people she sees on t.v. and every time she has cake, she thinks of the one million magazine articles on restricting calories. She used to have no idea a flat stomach was supposed to be beautiful until she saw advice on how to achieve it. She cuts back on everything. She controls. They tell her she’s getting too thin but she doesn’t believe it.
  A FAT LITTLE GIRL
  is sixteen and tearing herself into shreds in order for a thigh gap big enough to hush the screams in her head. She doesn’t “indulge,” ever. She can’t go out with friends, they expect her to eat. She damns her sweet tooth directly to hell. It’s coffee for breakfast and tea for lunch and if there’s dance that evening, two cups of water and then maybe an apple. She lies all the time until she thinks the words will rot her teeth. She dreams about food when she sleeps. Her aunt begs her to eat anything, even just a small cookie. They say, “One bite won’t make you fat, will it, darling?”
  A FAT LITTLE GIRL
  is seventeen and too sick to go to prom because she can’t stand up for very long. She thinks she wouldn’t look good in a dress anyway. Her nails are blue and not because they are painted. Her hair is too thin to do anything with. She’s tired all the time and always distracted. She once absently mentions the caloric value of grapes to the boy she is with and he looks at her like she’s gone insane and in that moment she realizes most people don’t have numbers constantly scrolling in their heads. She swallows hard and tries to figure out where it all went wrong, why more than a granola bar for a meal makes her feel sick, why she tastes disease and courts with death. She misses sleep. She misses being able to dream. She misses being herself instead of just being empty.
  A FAT LITTLE GIRL
  is twenty and writes poetry and is a healthy weight and still fights down the voices every single day. She puts food in her mouth and sometimes cries about it but more and more often feels good, feels balanced. Her cheeks are pink and they are chubby and soft and no longer growing slight fur. Her hair is long and it is beautiful. She still picks herself apart in the mirror, but she’s starting to get better about it. She wears the dress she likes even if it only fits her in a large and she doesn’t feel like a failure for it. She is falling in love with the fat on her hips.
  
  
  She is eating out with friends and not worrying about finding the lowest calorie item on the menu when she hears a mother tell her four year old daughter “You can’t have ice cream, we just had dinner.
  You don’t want to end up as a fat little girl
• Imagine this:
  When she tires of waiting for her saviour,
  our princess mounts the bucking dragon that prowls the castle gates
  and flies to freedom.
  Imagine this:
  Instead of her husband’s fur smoothing out into skin, his teeth going blunt,
  Belle finds coarse, dark hair growing on the back of her palms,
  and learns how to grin through a bloody muzzle.
  Instead of waiting, Elizabeth Swann sails out to her husband
  or rules the seas with a cutlass in one hand and her swollen stomach in the other.
  Imagine this:
  Our princess rides her dragon guard from her prison
  and feels the wind on her face for the first time in years.
  Imagine this:
  An abandoned Wendy Darling captains her own pirate ship,
  one eye always on the horizon.
  Pocahontas takes back her land with a tomahawk
  and a stolen musket.
  Imagine this:
  Instead of punishing his mistresses,
  Hera takes Zeus by the throat and squeezes.
  After the blunders of Orpheus,
  Eurydice carves her own way out of Hades.
  Imagine this:
  Bored of the same old story,
  they invent something else for a princess to do
  than be rescued.
  ”
• You wear your prom dress
  like a hospital gown
  and when your date says
  you look beautiful, you laugh
  like you’re waiting for the punchline.
  Loneliness is what your friends joke about:
  ha ha, Saturday night-in watching Law & Order
  with my cat,
  and you laugh along but you don’t dare
  talk about the emptiness that settles like an anvil
  in your stomach, that every night you weave your stitches
  only to break them,
  that everyone treats your heart
  like a fucking ash tray.
  That you take up drama
  so when you’re Maria
  crying over Tony’s corpse,
  you can pretend like the tears
  aren’t your own.
  That your biology textbook tells you people
  spend almost half of their lives asleep
  but it doesn’t tell you about the ones
  who never wake up.
  That in art class, you have to start
  your self-portrait over twice
  and when your teacher asks what’s wrong
  you tell her that there are 52 shades of blue
  in this world,
  and not a single one
  is as deep
  as yours.
  ”
• “One day, whether you 
  are 14, 
  28 
  or 65
  
  you will stumble upon
  someone who will start
  a fire in you that cannot die.
  
  However, the saddest, 
  most awful truth 
  you will ever come to find––
  
  is they are not always
  with whom we spend our lives
• today my professor told me
  every cell in our entire body
  is destroyed and replaced
  every seven years.
  how comforting it is to know
  one day i will have a body
  you will have never touched.
• When I was in the hospital 
  I was roomed with a schizophrenic 
  And she was the most gentle person I have ever met 
  There was a boy with a long deep slit across his neck 
  Who told very funny jokes 
  A girl who never spoke a word 
  Would draw the most beautiful pictures 
  The boy who shook with anxiety 
  Could hold the most intelligent conversations 
  Even the girl who screamed in her sleep and picked at her skin 
  Had a heart the size of the ocean
  We are not who you think we are
• i put your name on the bullet 
  so everyone knows 
  you were the last thing 
  that went through my head
• He told me: 
  If you want to cut yourself, 
  then you’re going to take my arm, 
  look me in the eyes, 
  and cut as many times as you would yourself. 
  I told him:
  I couldn’t hurt you like that.
  and then I understood.
  everything. 
• Killing  is  an   art
    When you enter the battlefield, let your knife be the brush.
                                                           And the ground beneath a canvas.
                         Use the {blood} of your enemies to create a terrifying….
                                                      Masterpiece.
• You are not an empty vessel,
  waiting to be filled
  with pretty words
  and unwelcomed touches.
  Do not swallow your words
  spit them out
  like coal burning your flesh.
  Let the world know
  you are a force
  to be reckoned with.
  Teach them that the word ‘no’
  does not mean ‘convince me’. 
  Teach them that you are not a wave
  but the entire ocean.
  You bring life
  and devastation
  all at once.”
• The head of a company survived 9/11 because
  His son started kindergarten.
  Another fellow was alive because it was
  His turn to bring donuts.
  One woman was late because her
  Alarm clock didn’t go off in time.
  One was late because of being stuck on the NJ Turnpike
  Because of an auto accident.
  One of them
  Missed his bus.
  One spilled food on her clothes and had to take
  Time to change.
  One’s
  Car wouldn’t start.
  One couldn’t
  Get a taxi.
  The one that struck me was the man
  Who put on a new pair of shoes that morning,
  Took the various means to get to work but before.
  He got there, he developed a blister on his foot.
  He stopped at a drugstore to buy a Band-Aid.
  That is why he is alive today..
  Now when I am
  Stuck in traffic,
  Miss an elevator,
  Turn back to answer a ringing telephone…
  All the little things that annoy me,
  I think to myself,
  This is exactly where
  I’m meant to be
  At this very moment
  ”
• There are 
  some feelings
  you will never
  find words for; 
  
  you will learn
  to name them
  after the ones
  who gave them
  to you.”
• There once was an old man who took long walks on the beach every morning. One day he saw a young man dancing in the distance. As he got closer he realised he wasn’t dancing at all, but reaching down and throwing small crabs into the sea. "Young man, what are you doing?" he asked. "Throwing crabs back into the sea" he replied, "they’ll die if I don’t help them." The old man looked down at the hundreds of small crabs scattered on the beach for miles. "But there must be millions of them," the old man told him aghast. "You can’t possibly make a difference." The young man bent down, picked up another crab and threw it into the ocean. "It made a difference to that one.""
• “Who taught me to suck in my stomach,
  or my cheeks?
  Who told me to stand with my legs apart
  and my hips thrust back
  to create the illusion of a gap
  between my thighs?
  Who made me believe that the most beautiful part of me
  is my negative space?”
• “
  
  Depression does not always mean
  Beautiful girls shattering at the wrists
  A glorified, heroic battle for your sanity
  Or mothers that never got the chance to say good-bye
  Sometimes depression means
  Not getting out of bed for three days
  Because your feet refuse to believe
  That they will not shatter upon impact with the floor
  Sometimes depression means
  That summoning the willpower
  To go downstairs and do the laundry
  Is the most impressive thing you accomplish that week
  Sometimes depression means
  Lying on the floor staring at the ceiling for hours
  Because you cannot convince your body
  That it is capable of movement
  Sometimes depression means
  Not being able to write for weeks
  Because the only words you have to offer the world
  Are trapped and drowning and I swear to God I’m trying
  Sometimes depression means
  That every single bone in your body aches
  But you have to keep going through the motions
  Because you are not allowed to call in to work depressed
  Sometimes depression means
  Ignoring every phone call for an entire month
  Because yes, they have the right number
  But you’re not the person they’re looking for, not anymore
  ”
• “The rape joke is that you were eight.
  The rape joke is that at the time,
  you didn’t know people had sex to express love.
  The rape joke is that the only other person 
  who’d seen you naked was your mom.
  The rape joke is that he called you ‘beautiful’ first.
  The rape joke is that he held your hands together
  and told you to ‘try harder’ when you struggled.
  The rape joke is that you believed him 
  when he told you were overreacting.
  The rape joke is that your grandma
  called him a nice boy and asked him to stay for dinner. 
  The rape joke is that he winked at you
  when you apologized to your parents for not coming
  downstairs the first time you were called.
  The rape joke is that his friends
  high-fived him for “getting some.”
  The rape joke is that you still don’t feel like 
  you’ve regrown the pieces he stole.
  The rape joke is that he was conceived when his
  dad slapped himself into his snoring mother.
  The rape joke is that her friends told her 
  she was lucky someone wanted her.
  The rape joke is that each year in the United States,
  32,000 other women’s bellies 
  ripen with life against their will.
  The rape joke is that he never learned 
  to touch without scarring.
  The rape joke is that your classmate thinks
  ‘have you seen what asses look like in yoga pants?’
  is an argument. 
  The rape joke is your new boyfriend kissing 
  you and telling you he ‘raped’ his math test.
  The rape joke is that ‘Why are girls so scared of rape? Y’all should feel pride that a guy risked his life in jail just to fuck you’
  is a popular Tweet right now.
  The rape joke is that you wake up to 
  the memory of him laughing, 
  “now that wasn’t so bad, was it?”
  The rape joke is that it’s been twelve years and 
  you still quiver when someone touches you.
  The rape joke is that he hasn’t stopped laughing.
  The rape joke is that you forgot how to.”
• “
  
  What if
  all women were bigger and stronger than you
  and thought they were smarter
  What if
  women were the ones who started wars
  What if
  too many of your friends had been raped by women wielding giant dildos
  and no K-Y Jelly
  What if
  the state trooper
  who pulled you over on the New Jersey Turnpike
  was a woman
  and carried a gun
  What if
  the ability to menstruate
  was the prerequisite for most high-paying jobs
  What if
  your attractiveness to women depended
  on the size of your penis
  What if
  every time women saw you
  they’d hoot and make jerking motions with their hands
  What if
  women were always making jokes
  about how ugly penises are
  and how bad sperm tastes
  What if
  you had to explain what’s wrong with your car
  to big sweaty women with greasy hands
  who stared at your crotch
  in a garage where you are surrounded
  by posters of naked men with hard-ons
  What if
  men’s magazines featured cover photos
  of 14-year-old boys
  with socks
  tucked into the front of their jeans
  and articles like:
  “How to tell if your wife is unfaithful”
  or
  “What your doctor won’t tell you about your prostate”
  or
  “The truth about impotence”
  What if
  the doctor who examined your prostate
  was a woman
  and called you “Honey”
  What if
  you had to inhale your boss’s stale cigar breath
  as she insisted that sleeping with her
  was part of the job
  What if
  you couldn’t get away because
  the company dress code required
  you wear shoes
  designed to keep you from running
  And what if
  after all that
  women still wanted you
  to love them.
  ”
• Words to keep inside your pocket:
• Quiescent - a quiet, soft-spoken soul.
• Chimerical - merely imaginary; fanciful. 
• Susurrus - a whispering or rustling sound. 
• Raconteur - one who excels in story-telling. 
• Clinquant - glittering; tinsel-like. 
• Aubade - a song greeting the dawn. 
• Ephemeral - lasting a very short time. 
• Sempiternal - everlasting; eternal. 
• Euphonious - pleasing; sweet in sound. 
• Billet-doux - a love letter. 
• Redamancy - act of loving in return.
• “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”
• what i never 
  learned 
  from my mother
  was that
  just because someone desires you
  does 
  not mean they value you.
  desire is the kind of thing that
  eats you
  and
  leaves you starving.
• “I was told
  The average girl begins to plan her wedding at the age of 7
  She picks the colors and the cake first
  By the age of 10 
  She knows time,
  And location
  By 17
  She’s already chosen a gown
  2 bridesmaids
  And a maid of honor
  By 23 
  She’s waiting for a man
  Who wont break out in hives when he hears the word “commitment”
  Someone who doesn’t smell like a Band-Aid drenched in lonely 
  Someone who isn’t a temporary solution to the empty side of the bed
  Someone
  Who’ll hold her hand like it’s the only one they’ve ever seen
  To be honest
  I don’t know what kind of tux I’ll be wearing
  I have no clue what want my wedding will look like
  But I imagine
  The women who pins my last to hers
  Will butterfly down the aisle
  Like a 5 foot promise
  I imagine
  Her smile
  Will be so large that you’ll see it on google maps
  And know exactly where our wedding is being held
  The woman that I plan to marry
  Will have champagne in her walk
  And I will get drunk on her footsteps
  When the pastor asks
  If I take this woman to be my wife
  I will say yes before he finishes the sentence
  I’ll apologize later for being impolite
  But I will also explain him
  That our first kiss happened 6 years ago
  And I’ve been practicing my “Yes”
  For past 2, 165 days
  When people ask me about my wedding
  I never really know what to say
  But when they ask me about my future wife
  I always tell them
  Her eyes are the only Christmas lights that deserve to be seen all year long
  I say
  She thinks too much
  Misses her father
  Loves to laugh
  And she’s terrible at lying
  Because her face never figured out how to do it correctly
  I tell them
  If my alarm clock sounded like her voice
  My snooze button would collect dust 
  I tell them
  If she came in a bottle
  I would drink her until my vision is blurry and my friends take away my keys
  If she was a book
  I would memorize her table of contents
  I would read her cover-to-cover
  Hoping to find typos
  Just so we can both have a few things to work on
  Because aren’t we all unfinished?
  Don’t we all need a little editing?
  Aren’t we all waiting to be proofread by someone?
  Aren’t we all praying they will tell us that we make sense 
  She don’t always make sense
  But her imperfections are the things I love about her the most
  I don’t know when I will be married
  I don’t know where I will be married
  But I do know this
  Whenever I’m asked about my future wife
  I always say
  …She’s a lot like you”
• I like drinking coffee alone, and reading alone.
  I like riding the bus alone, and walking home alone.
  It gives me time to think, and set my mind free.
  I like eating alone, and listening to music alone.
  But when I see a mother with her child;
  A girl with her lover;
  Or a friend laughing with their best friend;
  I realize that even though I like being alone
  I don’t fancy being lonely.
• i don’t know what to tell you
  other than the fact that a giraffe’s
  heart weighs 22 pounds and that
  somebody once told me when
  flies fall in love, their entire brain
  is rewired to only know loving each
  other. when one of them dies, their
  memory becomes blank. i hope you
  never think about anything as much 
  as i think about waking up next to
  you during a windstorm at 5 am.
• I thought of texting you
  "good morning, I can’t sleep"
  and then I remembered
  that you are on a journey
  which I am not a part of
  and that’s okay
  but
  good morning
  I can’t sleep
• “Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
  “Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”
  “Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”
  “It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
• “
  Each time I’m asked to tell about myself, I find myself starting the same way: “My name is Kelsey and I’m nineteen..”
  but what I’d really like to say is:
  “My name means island of the ships but once
  I found a translation that said I’m a burning shipwreck-
  not a burning ship but a ship that has caught fire
  after the wreckage and well, I’d say that’s more fitting.”
  I’ve learned that people don’t have time for about me’s.
  They need two things: a name and an indication you’re someone special.
  The doctors, they want facts not details.
  “I broke my leg when I was three, it’s a funny story actually-“
  The right or the left?
  Conversation over.
  The teachers, they want interests, hobbies.
  You’re sad, yes, but what do you like to do?
  The adults are a spew of questions.
  What school do you go to? What classes are you taking?
  What do you plan on becoming? Got a boyfriend?
  No, stop.
  People my own age are the worst.
  “I’m planning on an English degree with a concentration in creative writing.”
  Yeah, aren’t we all. So how many times have you, you know,
  done it?
  I’m pulled apart, my interests travelling highway 2
  my goals at a stop light at traffic hour,
  my medical history on a billboard for the world to see.
  But what about me?
  Where’s the chance to say,
  “I hang on to fistfuls of poetry like loose change in my pockets,
  and I keep waiting for the day that the world turns upside down
  so I can swim with the stars.
  I’m not afraid of darkness, it’s a loneliness I can empathize with it.
  It’s the blackholes like cigarette burns inside of me that get troublesome.
  I walk through graveyards and read the dashes between years,
  each a story I’ll never know. Sometimes I create my own.”
  No wonder none of us know who we are anymore.
  ”
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• “Do it.
  Get on the plane, get the train,
  Walk 300 miles.
  Get to her front door and tell her
  “I know this is crazy
  But I need you now.”
  Our lives are too short to always be sensible,
  Get the girl.
  Distance makes no difference if your eyes light up when she laughs.”
• Wherever I am, there's always Pooh, There's always Pooh and Me. Whatever I do, he wants to do, "Where are you going today?" says Pooh: "Well, that's very odd 'cos I was too. Let's go together," says Pooh, says he. "Let's go together," says Pooh.
• 
• “If you love someone, you tell them. 
  Even if you’re scared that it’s not the right thing. 
  Even if you’re scared that it’ll cause problems. 
  Even if you’re scared that it will burn your life to the ground, 
  you say it, and you say it loud 
  and you go from there.”
• 
• 
• 
• “I hope you find someone that
  mindlessly strokes your legs and 
  massages your back and plays with
  your hair and I hope that you feel like
  You’re home when you look at them.”
• 
• “
  To the girl I love:
  I’m sorry I’m difficult. Please don’t blame yourself. I’m a mess and it’s not because of you, I have no one to blame but myself.
  To the girl I love:
  I know it may seem like I’m pushing you away but I don’t mean it. I’m just afraid that if I show you how much I need you that it will push you away farther than the way I am pushing you now. Please don’t be afraid of how much I love you. I need you a little too much for my own good.
  To the girl I love:
  I’m sorry that I always need reassurance. I’m sorry that I’m not good with my words but I hope you understand that I love you more than anything on this Earth. I hope I don’t frighten you with the way I need you.
  To the girl I love:
  I need your help. I’m sorry I don’t know the difference between being dependent and loving you. I must learn to love myself before I can pour anymore of what I have in you. Please understand. Please be patient. I love you.
  ”
• “Your green eyes are the sun setting each night before I drift into a silent slumber. Your chest is the pillow I wish to lay on after a tiresome day. Your arms the blankets I wish to wrap myself in on the cool autumn nights. Last but not least, your voice is the sun rise that kisses my face each morning.
  
  "You are home", I whispered softly.
  
  You nodded gently and took me into you while saying, “Home is not a place, it’s a feeling.””
• 
• “
  I’m not sure what love is, but I think it’s hearing her say, “You’re an asshole,” while her smile betrays the words that just came out of her mouth. It’s getting a FaceTime call at eight in the morning so she can show you her outfit, because she thinks she looks really cute that day. I think love is blurting out exactly how you feel about her when she asks you why you’re looking at her “like that.” It’s unplanned and sloppy, the exact opposite of how you wanted it to happen; but the smile on her face tells you that it was perfect in its own way. Love is being afraid to let her know about certain parts of yourself, but telling her anyways. It’s making breakfast with her in the morning, dancing with her despite your two left feet, and passionately singing the wrong lyrics just to hear her laugh.
   
  I’m not sure what love is, but it just might be magic.
  ”
• 

• dear samantha
  i’m sorry
  we have to get a divorce
  i know that seems like an odd way to start a love letter but let me explain:
  it’s not you
  it sure as hell isn’t me
  it’s just human beings don’t love as well as insects do
  i love you.. far too much to let what we have be ruined by the failings of our species

  i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night
  i know you would never DO anything, you never do but..
  i saw the way you looked at the waiter last night

  did you know that when a female fly accepts the pheromones put off by a male fly, it re-writes her brain, destroys the receptors that receive pheromones, sensing the change, the male fly does the same. when two flies love each other they do it so hard, they will never love anything else ever again. if either one of them dies before procreation can happen both sets of genetic code are lost forever. now that… is dedication.

  after Elizabeth and i broke up we spent three days dividing everything we had bought together
  like if i knew what pots were mine like if i knew which drapes were mine somehow the pain would go away

  this is not true

  after two praying mantises mate, the nervous system of the male begins to shut down
  while he still has control over his motor functions
  he flops onto his back, exposing his soft underbelly up to his lover like a gift
  she then proceeds to lovingly dice him into tiny cubes
  spooning every morsel into her mouth
  she wastes nothing
  even the exoskeleton goes
  she does this so that once their children are born she has something to regurgitate to feed them
  now that.. is selflessness

  i could never do that for you

  so i have a new plan
  i’m gonna leave you now
  i’m gonna spend the rest of my life committing petty injustices
  i hope you do the same
  i will jay walk at every opportunity
  i will steal things i could easily afford
  i will be rude to strangers
  i hope you do the same
  i hope reincarnation is real
  i hope our petty crimes are enough to cause us to be reborn as lesser creatures
  i hope we are reborn as flies
  so that we can love each other as hard as we were meant to.

• "I wonder
  who’s arms would I run and fall into
  if I were drunk
  in a room with everyone
  I have ever loved"

  I saw a comment underneath this once, reading “furthermore, i wonder who would still catch me”
• 

• When a thing hurts your eyes, stop looking at it.

  When it hurts your ears, stop listening to it.

  And when it hurts your heart, stop justifying it.

• “What happened to her?”

  This was defiantly the question I was most afraid of, but I finally faced my fear.

  “She finally grew courage. She left me. Someone who could do nothing but hurt her no matter how in love I was with her. Because I am the bull and she is the china shop.”

  He stopped with his questions and looked forward, I joined him in watching the last bit of the sunset.

  I saw her eyes fade with the sun behind the world and put themselves to sleep. And all I could do was wish to join her in that slumber, just one more time.

• Growing up I always thought true love was red roses, dates on Saturday nights, little black box that held expensive things, and always knowing what to say. I thought true love was a kiss in the rain, deep explanations, and the perfect story. But now that I’m older I’ve realized it’s not like that at all.

  See because true love for me is ugly snapchats, and peeing while you’re on the phone. True love is kissing at 6 AM despite the morning breath and singing at the top of your lungs. It’s saying all the wrong things, at all the wrong moments. It’s sarcasm and being honest even when it hurts. It’s late hours of the night when it’s been a long day and it’s no make up and bad hair. It’s tears from laughter, it’s tears from sadness and it’s nothing like any storybook you’ve ever read. It’s never running out of things to talk about, and it’s being comfortable in the silence of things. True love is watching The Titanic though you swore you never would. It’s getting mad over stupid things. It’s “you’re an idiot,” and “you’re a little shit” and knowing you’re so lucky to hear those every day. It’s spilling your feelings at 4 AM when you should be asleep. It’s that song you hear on the radio that always makes you smile. It’s the worst story you could imagine, but thank God it worked out anyways. True love is never losing the magic. True love is not leaving when things get hard.

  I like my definition better anyways.

• "Sometimes,
  all you can do
  is lie in bed,
  and hope
  to fall asleep
  before
  you fall apart."

• "I want my secrets back.
  I want my heart back.
  I want all the words I
  ever wasted on you
  back.
  You don’t deserve them."

• 

• I want your Monday morning
  sleep soaked eyes
  dream drenched voice,
  lazy bones
  ‘five more minutes please babe.’

  I want your Tuesday afternoon
  coffee break,
  glasses off, laughter on
  ‘just hold me for a while
  it’s been a hard day.’

  I want your Wednesday evening
  fingers through hair
  teeth nibbling nails
  neck craning, eye glazing
  ‘this paperwork never ends’

  I want your Thursday night
  drinks for two
  bones unbind
  muscles let loose
  flats, slacks,
  ‘just me and you’

  I want your finally Friday
  stretch soul smile,
  sun sipping light
  from the glaciers in your eyes
  fingers unfurl, hand extends
  ‘c’mon babe, lets go wild’

  I want your weekend.
  your movie marathon Saturday
  reading by the fireplace
  kissing in the blankets
  want your Sunday morning
  orange juice and pancakes
  white sheets, tender skin
  hair like the Fourth of July
  ‘let’s not get out of bed today.’

  I want your ordinary
  and your stress, rest, release
  I want your bad day and that terrible night
  I want you drunk in my arms
  forgetting the place but never my name
  I want your lazy and your lonely
  and your fist full of fight
  I want you everyday
  in every way
  for the rest of my life.

• 
•